How to Search for Mind-Blowing Sex and End a Marriage

All I had wanted was an earth-shattering fuck. I wanted to cede control. I wanted to be ravished. Finally, 15 months into that search — four days after my husband told me he had filed for divorce — I found what I had been looking for… what I had fucked almost 50 guys, and a few women, to find.

With Walter, there was a primal connection palpable in glances. Chemistry that made me want to dissolve into him. Attraction that made me salivate. And the desire to do anything to be with him, please him.

My brain simply couldn’t function normally around him… no organizing, or planning or self-critiquing, no judging or worry or sorrow or … anything. My animal brain took over and I just wanted him.

Had I met him 15 months ago — at the beginning of the open marriage with my husband — my marriage might still be intact. I might have stopped looking after I found what I had been seeking in Walter.

My husband and I opened our marriage because we wanted to experience sex with other people. After 27 years of marriage, much of it sexless, it was hard to open up and to ask my spouse for what I really wanted in bed, and vice versa. I wanted to experience things, like anal sex and bondage, that he wasn’t comfortable doing. When he tried, I was simply disappointed, and he could sense it. I wanted him to take charge, but he’d spent half his life being criticized by me for even trying. I had emasculated him in so many ways, and when I truly wanted a strong man to simply take me, he could no longer be that man.

Instead, I fucked one man after the other, one good fuck for every two mediocre ones. Even the men who promised to dominate me, and tie me up were speechless before me. I wanted to be the one who turned to Jello, who became speechless. Instead, it was too often the other way around. But, still, I fell deep for more than one man who offered me not just sex but attention and care. Men who truly heard me and saw me, who related to me, who appreciated me for my inappropriate sense of humor, my rudeness, my less than perfect body. Men who told me I was beautiful and sexy and cooked for me and texted me at all hours.

Through these tenuous connections with other men over the course of 15 months, I awakened to how unhappy I was with my husband and my marriage. It wasn’t, I discovered, just about the lack of sex. It was about the lack of a true, deep, soulful connection. We were business partners. We were parents. We had a common history. But it was nothing to hang the rest of our lives upon. Eventually I told him I wanted a divorce.

In the midst of all of this, I started a journey of self awareness and discovery that led me to begin uncovering years of pent up and pushed down emotions that I had suppressed so deeply, I didn’t know where pain ended and joy began. Not just from my marriage, but from seeing my child, then 4, suffer and survive cancer, watching my mother die, evacuating after a devastating hurricane that wiped out my town, trying to make an unfulfilling career palatable, and a cold loneliness that I just wanted to end. It was all just one big jumble in my gut. I talked to a therapist at the beginning of the open marriage. “How are you feeling?” she asked. I honestly didn’t know.

Bending over, in front of Walter, it all went away.

I whimpered as he took the cane to my ass for the third time, already sore from being paddled by “Hector” three times. “Take it” he ordered, and I did, with a leather strap in my mouth to keep me from screaming. He put down the cane and told me to stand still at the foot of the bed, facing away, naked with my ass burning in pain, my pussy throbbing for what came next. I heard him slide off his belt and strip off his clothes, and I trembled with a mixture of fear and desire. I felt his 6’7” frame behind me. “Put your arms in front of you,” he said and I complied. Then, without warning he pushed his unlubricated cock into my ass. I cried out and tears came to my eyes, but the pain dissipated as he continued pushing and my ass opened up to the pleasure.

Then more of the same as he entered my vagina and pushed in deeply and relentlessly and kept pushing hard until I collapsed and he came. Over and over again.

Hours later, he wrapped his large frame around me and fell asleep.

I couldn’t sleep, euphoric at the experience, knowing that what I had been searching for was attainable. It was literally a dream come true — primal sex in which I completely submitted my will and was rewarded with the most intense, consuming attention and passion that I had ever known.

I got my earth-shattering fuck. I lost my marriage. I rediscovered myself.